I am in the process of deleting my Facebook but I don't want to lose the more important, poignant things I posted. I have decided my best course of action is to keep it here.
4/26/2020
"To endure to the end, we need to be eager to please God and worship Him with fervor and passion. This means that we maintain faith in Jesus Christ by praying, studying the scriptures, partaking of the sacrament each week, and having the Holy Ghost as our constant companion. We need to actively help and serve others and share the gospel with them. We need to be perfectly upright and honest in all things, never compromising our covenants with God or our commitments to men, regardless of circumstances. In our homes we need to talk of, rejoice in, and preach of Christ so that our children—and we ourselves—will desire to apply the Atonement in our lives. We must identify temptations that easily beset us and put them out of reach—way out of reach. Finally, we need to frequently biopsy our mightily changed hearts and reverse any signs of early rejection.
Please consider the state of your changed heart. Do you detect any rejection setting in as a result of the tendency of the natural man to become casual? If so, find a place where you too can kneel. Remember, more than mortal years on this earth are at stake. Do not risk forfeiting the fruits of the ultimate operation: eternal salvation and exaltation." Dale G. Renlund
"The 'merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah' can help us triumph over the self-centered and selfish tendencies of the natural man and become more selfless, benevolent, and saintly...
We are imperfect human beings striving to live in mortality according to Heavenly Father’s perfect plan of eternal progression. The requirements of His plan are glorious, merciful, and rigorous. We may at times be filled with determination and at other times feel totally inadequate. We may wonder if we spiritually can ever fulfill the commandment to stand spotless before Him at the last day." David A. Bednar
Friday, June 26, 2020
Sunday, June 7, 2020
Previously in 2019
02/24/2019
Sunday 11 years ago on Feb 3, 2008 I sat in our church meeting and said one last prayer for my oldest sister. I prayed for her comfort. I prayed for her release. I prayed that God would take her, that he would end her suffering and that she would know that we would be ok. I had spent the previous 6 months holding on as tight as I could. Praying for a miracle. This last prayer marked when I accepted that no miracle would be hers and that she was not meant to stay. I prayed that I could let her go. Little did I know or perhaps a part of me did, that at the time I said this prayer she was quietly slipping from this life to the next. On the day I arrived in Alabama the last week I was there to help take care of her, I held her hand and received the impression that this would be the last time. I didn't want to believe it but the feeling was undeniable and it prompted me to ask my mom later that week "how do you know when to say good bye". She replied, "you don't say goodbye. You say see you later because that's what it is". So the day came for me to head back to Georgia. I sat with her, held her hand, told her embarrassing stories which made her laugh but time is never on our side and before I knew it, it was time for me to leave. So, holding back the sobs that threatened to escape me I thanked her. I thanked her for being a great big sister and then said the last words I would ever say to her, "I love you and I'll see you later".
06/28/2019
"...the crowning characteristic of love is always loyalty. 'If ye love me, keep my commandments'...So we have neighbors to bless, children to protect, the poor to lift up, and the truth to defend. We have wrongs to make right, truths to share, and good to do...We can’t quit and we can’t go back. After an encounter with the living Son of the living God, nothing is ever again to be as it was before...
I testify from the bottom of my heart, with the intensity of my soul, to all who can hear my voice that those apostolic keys have been restored to the earth, and they are found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. To those who have not yet joined with us in this great final cause of Christ, we say, “Please come.” To those who were once with us but have retreated...The call is to come back, to stay true, to love God, and to lend a hand. I include in that call to fixed faithfulness every returned missionary who ever stood in a baptismal font and with arm to the square said, 'Having been commissioned of Jesus Christ.' That commission was to have changed your convert forever, but it was surely supposed to have changed you forever as well.
...the voice of Christ comes ringing down through the halls of time, asking each one of us while there is time, 'Do you love me?' And for every one of us, I answer with my honor and my soul, 'Yea, Lord, we do love thee.' And having set our 'hand to the plough,' we will never look back until this work is finished and love of God and neighbor rules the world." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland October 2012 General Conference
07/15/2019
"Even if we’ve been a conscious, deliberate sinner or have repeatedly faced failure and disappointment, the moment we decide to try again, the Atonement of Christ can help us. And we need to remember that it is not the Holy Ghost that tells us we’re so far gone that we might as well give up...
Just as God rejoices when we persevere, He is disappointed if we do not recognize that others are trying too...
We will then recognize that regardless of perceived differences, all of us are in need of the same infinite Atonement...
My invitation to all of us is to evaluate our lives, repent, and keep on trying. If we don’t try, we’re just latter-day sinners; if we don’t persevere, we’re latter-day quitters; and if we don’t allow others to try, we’re just latter-day hypocrites. As we try, persevere, and help others to do the same, we are true Latter-day Saints. As we change, we will find that God indeed cares a lot more about who we are and about who we are becoming than about who we once were."
07/16/2019
"...there are some who...stand at the waters of baptism but do not enter. They wait at the threshold of testimony but cannot bring themselves to acknowledge the truth. Instead of taking small steps of faith on the path of discipleship, they want some dramatic event to compel them to believe...
They remain waiting for the Christ to be given to them...to remove once and for all their doubts and fears.
The truth is, those who diligently seek to learn of Christ eventually will come to know Him. They will personally receive a divine portrait of the Master, although it most often comes in the form of a puzzle—one piece at a time. Each individual piece may not be easily recognizable by itself; it may not be clear how it relates to the whole. Each piece helps us to see the big picture a little more clearly. Eventually, after enough pieces have been put together, we recognize the grand beauty of it all. Then, looking back on our experience, we see that the Savior had indeed come to be with us—not all at once but quietly, gently, almost unnoticed...
Often He speaks to us in ways that we can hear only with our heart. To better hear His voice, it would be wise to turn down the volume control of the worldly noise in our lives. If we ignore or block out the promptings of the Spirit for whatever reason, they become less noticeable until we cannot hear them at all. Let us learn to hearken to the promptings of the Spirit and then be eager to heed them...
Selfless acts of service and consecration refine our spirits, remove the scales from our spiritual eyes, and open the windows of heaven. By becoming the answer to someone’s prayer, we often find the answer to our own...
He...speaks to all who come to Him with a sincere heart and real intent.
Do not doubt.
...let us not wait too long on our road to Damascus. Instead, let us courageously move forward in faith, hope, and charity..."
Waiting on the Road to Damascus by
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf
07/19/2019
"...treasure up wisdom in your bosoms, lest the wickedness of men...shall speak in your ears with a voice louder than that which shall shake the earth..."
08/26/2019
This sums up the point of the plan of salvation and why we are here better than anything I've ever read.
"The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.
A parable illustrates this understanding. A wealthy father knew that if he were to bestow his wealth upon a child who had not yet developed the needed wisdom and stature, the inheritance would probably be wasted. The father said to his child:
'All that I have I desire to give you—not only my wealth, but also my position and standing among men. That which I have I can easily give you, but that which I am you must obtain for yourself. You will qualify for your inheritance by learning what I have learned and by living as I have lived. I will give you the laws and principles by which I have acquired my wisdom and stature. Follow my example, mastering as I have mastered, and you will become as I am, and all that I have will be yours.'
This parable parallels the pattern of heaven. The gospel of Jesus Christ promises the incomparable inheritance of eternal life, the fulness of the Father, and reveals the laws and principles by which it can be obtained." The Challenge to Become, Dallin H. Oaks,of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
Sunday 11 years ago on Feb 3, 2008 I sat in our church meeting and said one last prayer for my oldest sister. I prayed for her comfort. I prayed for her release. I prayed that God would take her, that he would end her suffering and that she would know that we would be ok. I had spent the previous 6 months holding on as tight as I could. Praying for a miracle. This last prayer marked when I accepted that no miracle would be hers and that she was not meant to stay. I prayed that I could let her go. Little did I know or perhaps a part of me did, that at the time I said this prayer she was quietly slipping from this life to the next. On the day I arrived in Alabama the last week I was there to help take care of her, I held her hand and received the impression that this would be the last time. I didn't want to believe it but the feeling was undeniable and it prompted me to ask my mom later that week "how do you know when to say good bye". She replied, "you don't say goodbye. You say see you later because that's what it is". So the day came for me to head back to Georgia. I sat with her, held her hand, told her embarrassing stories which made her laugh but time is never on our side and before I knew it, it was time for me to leave. So, holding back the sobs that threatened to escape me I thanked her. I thanked her for being a great big sister and then said the last words I would ever say to her, "I love you and I'll see you later".
06/28/2019
"...the crowning characteristic of love is always loyalty. 'If ye love me, keep my commandments'...So we have neighbors to bless, children to protect, the poor to lift up, and the truth to defend. We have wrongs to make right, truths to share, and good to do...We can’t quit and we can’t go back. After an encounter with the living Son of the living God, nothing is ever again to be as it was before...
I testify from the bottom of my heart, with the intensity of my soul, to all who can hear my voice that those apostolic keys have been restored to the earth, and they are found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. To those who have not yet joined with us in this great final cause of Christ, we say, “Please come.” To those who were once with us but have retreated...The call is to come back, to stay true, to love God, and to lend a hand. I include in that call to fixed faithfulness every returned missionary who ever stood in a baptismal font and with arm to the square said, 'Having been commissioned of Jesus Christ.' That commission was to have changed your convert forever, but it was surely supposed to have changed you forever as well.
...the voice of Christ comes ringing down through the halls of time, asking each one of us while there is time, 'Do you love me?' And for every one of us, I answer with my honor and my soul, 'Yea, Lord, we do love thee.' And having set our 'hand to the plough,' we will never look back until this work is finished and love of God and neighbor rules the world." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland October 2012 General Conference
07/15/2019
"Even if we’ve been a conscious, deliberate sinner or have repeatedly faced failure and disappointment, the moment we decide to try again, the Atonement of Christ can help us. And we need to remember that it is not the Holy Ghost that tells us we’re so far gone that we might as well give up...
Just as God rejoices when we persevere, He is disappointed if we do not recognize that others are trying too...
We will then recognize that regardless of perceived differences, all of us are in need of the same infinite Atonement...
My invitation to all of us is to evaluate our lives, repent, and keep on trying. If we don’t try, we’re just latter-day sinners; if we don’t persevere, we’re latter-day quitters; and if we don’t allow others to try, we’re just latter-day hypocrites. As we try, persevere, and help others to do the same, we are true Latter-day Saints. As we change, we will find that God indeed cares a lot more about who we are and about who we are becoming than about who we once were."
07/16/2019
"...there are some who...stand at the waters of baptism but do not enter. They wait at the threshold of testimony but cannot bring themselves to acknowledge the truth. Instead of taking small steps of faith on the path of discipleship, they want some dramatic event to compel them to believe...
They remain waiting for the Christ to be given to them...to remove once and for all their doubts and fears.
The truth is, those who diligently seek to learn of Christ eventually will come to know Him. They will personally receive a divine portrait of the Master, although it most often comes in the form of a puzzle—one piece at a time. Each individual piece may not be easily recognizable by itself; it may not be clear how it relates to the whole. Each piece helps us to see the big picture a little more clearly. Eventually, after enough pieces have been put together, we recognize the grand beauty of it all. Then, looking back on our experience, we see that the Savior had indeed come to be with us—not all at once but quietly, gently, almost unnoticed...
Often He speaks to us in ways that we can hear only with our heart. To better hear His voice, it would be wise to turn down the volume control of the worldly noise in our lives. If we ignore or block out the promptings of the Spirit for whatever reason, they become less noticeable until we cannot hear them at all. Let us learn to hearken to the promptings of the Spirit and then be eager to heed them...
Selfless acts of service and consecration refine our spirits, remove the scales from our spiritual eyes, and open the windows of heaven. By becoming the answer to someone’s prayer, we often find the answer to our own...
He...speaks to all who come to Him with a sincere heart and real intent.
Do not doubt.
...let us not wait too long on our road to Damascus. Instead, let us courageously move forward in faith, hope, and charity..."
Waiting on the Road to Damascus by
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf
07/19/2019
"...treasure up wisdom in your bosoms, lest the wickedness of men...shall speak in your ears with a voice louder than that which shall shake the earth..."
08/26/2019
This sums up the point of the plan of salvation and why we are here better than anything I've ever read.
"The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.
A parable illustrates this understanding. A wealthy father knew that if he were to bestow his wealth upon a child who had not yet developed the needed wisdom and stature, the inheritance would probably be wasted. The father said to his child:
'All that I have I desire to give you—not only my wealth, but also my position and standing among men. That which I have I can easily give you, but that which I am you must obtain for yourself. You will qualify for your inheritance by learning what I have learned and by living as I have lived. I will give you the laws and principles by which I have acquired my wisdom and stature. Follow my example, mastering as I have mastered, and you will become as I am, and all that I have will be yours.'
This parable parallels the pattern of heaven. The gospel of Jesus Christ promises the incomparable inheritance of eternal life, the fulness of the Father, and reveals the laws and principles by which it can be obtained." The Challenge to Become, Dallin H. Oaks,of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
Previously in 2017
05/30/2017
For the last few months I have gone through what probably was depression. I've been through these moods before but I became more aware of it this time around and I wanted to search for the reason and also find the solution. I would say that I was more aware of it this time around because of Mary Kay. I know that sounds weird but I was forced to really evaluate what I wanted and why I wasn't getting it. It helped me put me under the microscope.
Throughout my life I have done several different things and would be "happy" for awhile but I would always get bored with it or it stopped making me happy and I would stop doing it and move on to something else.
Through these few months I have been forced to self reflect and why I do what I do. Many things I have done to fill a hole. A hole left by what I would describe as my biggest failure, which is, not being able to have kids. Now, I understand it isn't a "failure", the logical side of my brain knows it isn't but the emotional side feels this way. Infertility is a heartache and an emotion that you can't understand unless you're living it or lived it. There is a feeling that you are broken and/or forgotten. It is especially apparent to someone like me who, for the whole of her life, knew her purpose was to be a mother. My self worth and my purpose were wrapped into this. It was my reason for being, so for many years, I would wait. "I'll do this or this until my real reason for being is fulfilled".
This is the hardest for me to let go of.
So for the last month I have been concentrating on 3 things, my mental, physical and spiritual health. It is a work in progress but I know I need to stop waiting cause that's just another term for wasting time.
---I want to add that this is NOT a woe is me post or the reason why I was depressed. My depression was a natural end to a pattern that I wittingly or unwittingly set for myself through out my life which is why I would go through bouts of depression and I was awakened to the necessity that I needed to change and those 3 things are my way of doing so---
07/26/2017
I may not be a mother in the physically giving birth way but I have helped raise 4 kids these last 9 years and have, in my mind, a pretty good grasp of what kind of mother I will be. A perfectly imperfect one. I was thinking of all the judgments spoken or unspoken toward parents today. It honestly is appalling that people call CPS for a child playing alone outside in their own yard to whenever something bad happens jump on the crucify the parents bandwagon without first knowing all the facts. I wouldn't consider myself a helicopter or lawnmower person. I simply use common sense. I once took all 4 kids to the zoo and we stopped and ate lunch. The youngest was still in a stroller but able to walk but I kept her in the stroller for the most part. After the kids finished I instructed them to go ahead and throw away their trash while I tended to the youngest. They did so and then stood by the fence where the play ground area was which was right behind us. They stood that way staring longingly until I was finished. There was a lady with a newborn behind me at another table with her back to the playground so she didn't see where the other 3 had gone. I stood up, cleaned up the left over trash and of course clean the youngest and I hear "where are your other kids?" I simply say "behind you" and she responds "Oh, I didn't see them" and added "I didn't mean to sound like I was accusing or something". I wasn't sure how to respond so I just said "thank you, I understand and we should all look out for each other, right" she replies "well, I don't know about that". Really? So why the h e double hockey sticks did you open your mouth to begin with lady? Another time I took them to a restaurant, my first ever doing so by myself. It was alright once we got settled but there was a couple behind us with only one child. When they saw me with them they said "wow, you're so brave with 4 we can barely handle the one" and proceeded to help me unasked with everything. Yes, it was very nice and I did appreciate it but it wasn't needed. I don't believe they were judging necessarily but I did think to myself, "do they think I am incapable" and "do I look as though I'm struggling". What is it about having more than 1 that cause people to think that someone isn't capable of handling it or shouldn't have more than 1 or 2? If you can't handle more than your 1 or 2, it doesn't mean everyone should be relegated to the same number of kids. Anyone with more than 1 or 2 kids out there think they are judged for the number of kids they have?
For the last few months I have gone through what probably was depression. I've been through these moods before but I became more aware of it this time around and I wanted to search for the reason and also find the solution. I would say that I was more aware of it this time around because of Mary Kay. I know that sounds weird but I was forced to really evaluate what I wanted and why I wasn't getting it. It helped me put me under the microscope.
Throughout my life I have done several different things and would be "happy" for awhile but I would always get bored with it or it stopped making me happy and I would stop doing it and move on to something else.
Through these few months I have been forced to self reflect and why I do what I do. Many things I have done to fill a hole. A hole left by what I would describe as my biggest failure, which is, not being able to have kids. Now, I understand it isn't a "failure", the logical side of my brain knows it isn't but the emotional side feels this way. Infertility is a heartache and an emotion that you can't understand unless you're living it or lived it. There is a feeling that you are broken and/or forgotten. It is especially apparent to someone like me who, for the whole of her life, knew her purpose was to be a mother. My self worth and my purpose were wrapped into this. It was my reason for being, so for many years, I would wait. "I'll do this or this until my real reason for being is fulfilled".
This is the hardest for me to let go of.
So for the last month I have been concentrating on 3 things, my mental, physical and spiritual health. It is a work in progress but I know I need to stop waiting cause that's just another term for wasting time.
---I want to add that this is NOT a woe is me post or the reason why I was depressed. My depression was a natural end to a pattern that I wittingly or unwittingly set for myself through out my life which is why I would go through bouts of depression and I was awakened to the necessity that I needed to change and those 3 things are my way of doing so---
07/26/2017
I may not be a mother in the physically giving birth way but I have helped raise 4 kids these last 9 years and have, in my mind, a pretty good grasp of what kind of mother I will be. A perfectly imperfect one. I was thinking of all the judgments spoken or unspoken toward parents today. It honestly is appalling that people call CPS for a child playing alone outside in their own yard to whenever something bad happens jump on the crucify the parents bandwagon without first knowing all the facts. I wouldn't consider myself a helicopter or lawnmower person. I simply use common sense. I once took all 4 kids to the zoo and we stopped and ate lunch. The youngest was still in a stroller but able to walk but I kept her in the stroller for the most part. After the kids finished I instructed them to go ahead and throw away their trash while I tended to the youngest. They did so and then stood by the fence where the play ground area was which was right behind us. They stood that way staring longingly until I was finished. There was a lady with a newborn behind me at another table with her back to the playground so she didn't see where the other 3 had gone. I stood up, cleaned up the left over trash and of course clean the youngest and I hear "where are your other kids?" I simply say "behind you" and she responds "Oh, I didn't see them" and added "I didn't mean to sound like I was accusing or something". I wasn't sure how to respond so I just said "thank you, I understand and we should all look out for each other, right" she replies "well, I don't know about that". Really? So why the h e double hockey sticks did you open your mouth to begin with lady? Another time I took them to a restaurant, my first ever doing so by myself. It was alright once we got settled but there was a couple behind us with only one child. When they saw me with them they said "wow, you're so brave with 4 we can barely handle the one" and proceeded to help me unasked with everything. Yes, it was very nice and I did appreciate it but it wasn't needed. I don't believe they were judging necessarily but I did think to myself, "do they think I am incapable" and "do I look as though I'm struggling". What is it about having more than 1 that cause people to think that someone isn't capable of handling it or shouldn't have more than 1 or 2? If you can't handle more than your 1 or 2, it doesn't mean everyone should be relegated to the same number of kids. Anyone with more than 1 or 2 kids out there think they are judged for the number of kids they have?
Previously in 2016
4/24/2016
In the vision of the tree of life Lehi sees several groups of people. One group finds their way to the rod of iron and begins their journey towards the tree but when a mist of darkness begins to hinder their way they are lost because they let go. Another group finds their way through the mist and partake of the fruit but become ashamed immediately and after wandered away and were also lost. Then it speaks of a group that find their way and strive continuously to hold to the rod of iron and when they reached the tree, "they fell and partook of the fruit". I never noticed the word fell before and it caught my eye as I studied. They were so weary that they fell, so tired they could not stand but they stayed the course and endured to the end. May we too despite the hardships we face hold to the rod as tightly as they did.
https://www.ldsliving.com/Elder-Holland-Shares-the-Powerful-Rebuke-He-Received-While-with-His-Dying-Father-on-Christmas-Eve/s/87225?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=ctr
9/4/2016
As I sat in sacrament meeting today listening to all the testimonies, I thought to myself "the brighter the testimony, the hotter the fire". We are such imperfect beings and will fall short again and again. What makes you different and stronger is that you get up, dust yourself off and get right back in the fire. The refiner's fire. Through this process you learn more and more, little by little, until you come out as refined as the Lord would have you be. The saying be careful what you pray for is so true. If you ask for patience, how would you know what patience is if you aren't put into a situation in which to exercise it? Has anyone prayed that their day would go well and then proceed to have the worst day ever? If we go through life expecting things to be easy or that somehow because you have faith your life will be a bed of roses with no thorns or weeds, you will never progress. When the storms of life come you will baulk. You will stumble. You will toss your hands up in defiance and cry out are you not there? How could you let this happen? Or worst yet, I hate you. We are not perfect but through our faith can be made perfect through Christ but how do we expect perfection to come? It will not be wrapped up in an unscuffed box with a pretty little bow on your doorstep one day. It will look more like a box sent through the post office 5 days late because it got caught in the conveyor belt. The way is straight and narrow but few there be that find it. There's a post I did about several groups who tried to find their way to the tree of life and the first groups lost their way but the last held firm, firm through all adversity ignoring all who mocked them, to finally fall down and partake of the fruit of the tree. We live in such hard times. Times where we must choose the harder right over the easier wrong. It's hard, I understand. The lines have been so blurred and our hearts and minds confused. I say stand. Stand up! Stand firm! Hold to the truth! Hold onto to what you know. If you've fallen, get up! His hand is still there. His love is there. Let Him be your teacher, have faith and trust in the process. You can do it, you can make it.
9/22/2016
I have been through all the emotions of one who has not been blessed to carry a child. I've cried many tears, been bitter, angry, feeling broken, incomplete and forgotten. Then I finally do get pregnant and I have to make the heart breaking but necessary decision to end it. Despite that, however, I am truly in a good place now. I haven't been bitter or angry in many years and I certainly wasn't when we had to terminate the pregnancy. I was just sad. I want to be honest and say that although coming from a good place, sympathy is not wanted, guilt for having children is certainly not wanted, stepping on eggshells isn't wanted, advice on how to get pregnant isn't wanted (I know how it works) and suggesting adoption isn't wanted. I know we can but we haven't reached that point nor exhausted all options yet. What is wanted? A small prayer for us, that as we embark next year on truly exhausting those options that it will result in a child or children for us and know that even if it doesn't that we'll be ok. I am blessed. I know that God is aware of me, my pregnancy, albeit short, confirmed that to me and I know I certainly have not been forgotten. In the meantime, while I wait on the special one or ones that are being made for me, I have the wonderful opportunity to love 4 beautiful children and treat them as though they were my own and to feel even but for a moment that I am a mother in some small way and we have beautiful nieces and nephews that we love from a far. I know there are those who do keep us in their prayers and it's appreciated, they will certainly be needed in the coming years. I probably won't post that much about it but I saw this blog entry and it touched me and I had to share.
https://barrentobeautiful.com/2016/09/21/why-god-took-so-long-to-give-me-a-baby/
In the vision of the tree of life Lehi sees several groups of people. One group finds their way to the rod of iron and begins their journey towards the tree but when a mist of darkness begins to hinder their way they are lost because they let go. Another group finds their way through the mist and partake of the fruit but become ashamed immediately and after wandered away and were also lost. Then it speaks of a group that find their way and strive continuously to hold to the rod of iron and when they reached the tree, "they fell and partook of the fruit". I never noticed the word fell before and it caught my eye as I studied. They were so weary that they fell, so tired they could not stand but they stayed the course and endured to the end. May we too despite the hardships we face hold to the rod as tightly as they did.
https://www.ldsliving.com/Elder-Holland-Shares-the-Powerful-Rebuke-He-Received-While-with-His-Dying-Father-on-Christmas-Eve/s/87225?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=ctr
9/4/2016
As I sat in sacrament meeting today listening to all the testimonies, I thought to myself "the brighter the testimony, the hotter the fire". We are such imperfect beings and will fall short again and again. What makes you different and stronger is that you get up, dust yourself off and get right back in the fire. The refiner's fire. Through this process you learn more and more, little by little, until you come out as refined as the Lord would have you be. The saying be careful what you pray for is so true. If you ask for patience, how would you know what patience is if you aren't put into a situation in which to exercise it? Has anyone prayed that their day would go well and then proceed to have the worst day ever? If we go through life expecting things to be easy or that somehow because you have faith your life will be a bed of roses with no thorns or weeds, you will never progress. When the storms of life come you will baulk. You will stumble. You will toss your hands up in defiance and cry out are you not there? How could you let this happen? Or worst yet, I hate you. We are not perfect but through our faith can be made perfect through Christ but how do we expect perfection to come? It will not be wrapped up in an unscuffed box with a pretty little bow on your doorstep one day. It will look more like a box sent through the post office 5 days late because it got caught in the conveyor belt. The way is straight and narrow but few there be that find it. There's a post I did about several groups who tried to find their way to the tree of life and the first groups lost their way but the last held firm, firm through all adversity ignoring all who mocked them, to finally fall down and partake of the fruit of the tree. We live in such hard times. Times where we must choose the harder right over the easier wrong. It's hard, I understand. The lines have been so blurred and our hearts and minds confused. I say stand. Stand up! Stand firm! Hold to the truth! Hold onto to what you know. If you've fallen, get up! His hand is still there. His love is there. Let Him be your teacher, have faith and trust in the process. You can do it, you can make it.
9/22/2016
I have been through all the emotions of one who has not been blessed to carry a child. I've cried many tears, been bitter, angry, feeling broken, incomplete and forgotten. Then I finally do get pregnant and I have to make the heart breaking but necessary decision to end it. Despite that, however, I am truly in a good place now. I haven't been bitter or angry in many years and I certainly wasn't when we had to terminate the pregnancy. I was just sad. I want to be honest and say that although coming from a good place, sympathy is not wanted, guilt for having children is certainly not wanted, stepping on eggshells isn't wanted, advice on how to get pregnant isn't wanted (I know how it works) and suggesting adoption isn't wanted. I know we can but we haven't reached that point nor exhausted all options yet. What is wanted? A small prayer for us, that as we embark next year on truly exhausting those options that it will result in a child or children for us and know that even if it doesn't that we'll be ok. I am blessed. I know that God is aware of me, my pregnancy, albeit short, confirmed that to me and I know I certainly have not been forgotten. In the meantime, while I wait on the special one or ones that are being made for me, I have the wonderful opportunity to love 4 beautiful children and treat them as though they were my own and to feel even but for a moment that I am a mother in some small way and we have beautiful nieces and nephews that we love from a far. I know there are those who do keep us in their prayers and it's appreciated, they will certainly be needed in the coming years. I probably won't post that much about it but I saw this blog entry and it touched me and I had to share.
https://barrentobeautiful.com/2016/09/21/why-god-took-so-long-to-give-me-a-baby/
Previously in 2015
1/14/2015
So I was sitting at the Dr's office with my friend and this guy comes in. I smiled at him, he says "Hi how are you" I of course say "fine". He does a quick, what he thought was sly, ring check and proceeds to the window. The nurse had just stepped away for a moment and I told him that she'd be back shortly. He says "thank you" and then holds his hand out for me to shake it and says "You're beautiful by the way, your husband is a lucky man." I proceed to stammer a quick "thank you" while he proceeds to ask "how long have you been married" but still taken aback from his boldness I almost forgot to answer. "Ten years" I reply to which he says "Lucky man, he's a lucky man. You tell him that alright".
2/6/2015
I don't care if you ask me what I am. I don't care if you ask me if I have kids. I don't care if you ask me how many siblings I have. In short, I have several ethnicities running through my veins and I am proud to share that because that is who and what I am. I have trouble getting pregnant. I really want children and lost a baby last year. I have 2 sisters but I lost one 7 years ago. If you would like to inquire more please feel free to ask away. Yes the last 2 were hard to deal with but I am stronger because of those experiences and if by sharing that with someone can one day help them I wouldn't want someone thinking they can't ask me because oh it's too sensitive a subject. People want to know you and you are the sum of those experiences, if it's something you don't want to share, simply say I can't share that right now, it's too close yet but one day maybe I will and know that one day you can if you wish but it isn't something to be offended about. We throw that word around too freely.
So I was sitting at the Dr's office with my friend and this guy comes in. I smiled at him, he says "Hi how are you" I of course say "fine". He does a quick, what he thought was sly, ring check and proceeds to the window. The nurse had just stepped away for a moment and I told him that she'd be back shortly. He says "thank you" and then holds his hand out for me to shake it and says "You're beautiful by the way, your husband is a lucky man." I proceed to stammer a quick "thank you" while he proceeds to ask "how long have you been married" but still taken aback from his boldness I almost forgot to answer. "Ten years" I reply to which he says "Lucky man, he's a lucky man. You tell him that alright".
2/6/2015
I don't care if you ask me what I am. I don't care if you ask me if I have kids. I don't care if you ask me how many siblings I have. In short, I have several ethnicities running through my veins and I am proud to share that because that is who and what I am. I have trouble getting pregnant. I really want children and lost a baby last year. I have 2 sisters but I lost one 7 years ago. If you would like to inquire more please feel free to ask away. Yes the last 2 were hard to deal with but I am stronger because of those experiences and if by sharing that with someone can one day help them I wouldn't want someone thinking they can't ask me because oh it's too sensitive a subject. People want to know you and you are the sum of those experiences, if it's something you don't want to share, simply say I can't share that right now, it's too close yet but one day maybe I will and know that one day you can if you wish but it isn't something to be offended about. We throw that word around too freely.
Previously in 2014
2/3/2014
Grief is a funny thing. It can shatter your heart then turn around and strengthen you if you let it. It is the constant thought in the back of your mind. The awareness that your heart isn't whole. In the beginning you go about the motions of life because you have to and with time things get better and pain is replaced with hope. Some choose to remain in that place of pain thinking that that is the only way to remember or that somehow you deserve that pain but that just isn't true. Yes, there will always be times when you realize how much you miss what was taken and in a brief moment you grieve again, but you don't have to remain there and you shouldn't. It is cankerous to your spirit. Remember that everything has its opposite, with great sorrow there must be great happiness and it can and will follow. The key is hope, it is faith, it is knowing that it will be made right no matter what it is. God will make it right. Don't hate him for the things you feel he's taken or the things you feel he hasn't done. He has made you the promise that you will be made whole. I know that I will experience more sorrow in my life and I dread that day but I also know and have the promise that everything will be alright. "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
5/30/2014
I tend to dam up my emotions until it's too much and I have no other choice but to cry. Sometimes it's all we can do. The month of May has been particularly hard for me. I've shed my tears. I've put it in its place and I'm moving forward. I do believe everything happens for a reason and there are moments in our lives that we don't and won't understand but as I've said time and time again, no matter what, there's always hope. I'm grateful for the gospel, I'm grateful for my Savior and for the atonement that encompasses so much more than suffering for our sins. He knows what true heartache and pain feel like, physical and emotional and even He wept. The one who created all things, who can see all, wept. Believe in Him, have faith and hope that all will be made right. He can never forget us, we are imprinted in the palms of his hands.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=share&v=zt0BKDOe3x0
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