a thing of mysterious and sacred significance; a religious symbol

This is from a journal entry from early last year. During that time I had deliberately ignored spiritual promptings and knew that the Lord was not happy with me and when the time came to partake of the sacrament I couldn't. The spirit stayed my hand that Sunday. My sin was in ignoring the spirit which is something I unfortunately have done too many times in my life but this time it felt different. Several times in the past it has always been "I'm too scared to follow this prompting forgive me, I will do better next time". This time it felt as though there wouldn't be a next time. It's hard for me to describe but several Sundays following I stayed my own hand and my journal entry will explain why.

It also ties in with my previous post.

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April 2018

"If we yearn to dwell in Christ and have Him dwell in us, then holiness is what we seek." The living Bread Which Came Down from Heaven, Elder D. Todd Christofferson

I have had cause to reflect on my life. I believe these last few hardships have been lessons, wake up calls for me that it is time to step up and be more...

What stays my hand I suppose is the feeling that once I partake again more will be required of me. That I must be "all in". That by partaking I am acknowledging a readiness for more. 

This scares me.

What if I receive more and I fail again to listen? Will I yet again feel the chastening of the spirit and the Father? What will happen if I partake again and know that once I do I am bound to my promises? I am promising more than just remembering him. It is a symbolic gesture of commitment and I fear that if I partake, I can never mess up again.

In reading Alma Chp 5 these questions stood out to me the most:

" Can you...hear the voice of the Lord saying...your works have been...righteous? Can you look up with a pure heart and clean hands? How will you feel if you stand before God having your garments stained? What will these stains testify against you? Have you kept yourself blameless? Can you say you've been humble? Have your garments been cleansed and made white through repentance?"

I desire to be completely cleansed from all sin. I want to bring before the Lord something more than empty hands. Clean? Yes. Empty? No.

What have I done with what God's grace has given me?

The winds are changing, the signs are here that the judgments of God are coming.

When he does come again or if I see him before that day, will I hear "well done thou good and faithful servant" or will I hear that I have been a slothful one?

To partake of the sacrament is"expressing how completely we must bring the savior into our life-into our very being-that we may be one." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

I fear that I am an unworthy vessel. I know he expects more of me.

"We would do well to consider how fully and completely we must incorporate His character, the pattern of His sinless life." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

This is something I feel I must fully comprehend before partaking again.

"As we remember and honor His atoning sacrifice, we should also contemplate His sinless life. This suggests the need for a mighty striving on our part. We cannot be content to remain as we are but must be moving constantly toward 'the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ'....we must be willing to give away all our sins and focus on what the Lord expects of us." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

In refraining from partaking of the sacrament I have become painfully aware of my weaknesses and the need to shore them up, to strengthen them and fix the cracks that I have let go for far too long. I am aware of how slothful I have allowed myself to become.

I am fearful of my weaknesses but also fearful of changing. These weaknesses have been tied to me for so long. I want and desire to be free of them but what will be left?

"We are a product of all we read, all we view, all we hear and all we think." President Thomas S. Monson 

I suppose in a weird way I'd rather go before the Lord with my garments stained than my hands empty.

Which is the greater sin?

Of course I desire to be sanctified and cleansed of all sin where I too can't look upon sin with the least degree of allowance.

Oh to be so clean and pure that Satan has no hold on me.

"...our mortal experiences offer us the opportunity to choose holiness...it is the sacrifices we make to keep our covenants that sanctify us and make us holy...I would add the service we give to the sacrifices we make." Carol McConkie

How can I fill my hands? How can I move forward towards sanctification? How can I receive the gifts that are waiting for me?

What do I need to sacrifice?

"Come ye out from the wicked and be separate and touch not their unclean things. Drive out the wolves from among the sheep." Alma 

"Partaking of the Savior's flesh and drinking His blood means to put out of our lives anything inconsistent with a Christlike character..." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

To truly be repentant we not only have to turn away from past sin but also "a turning of the heart and will to God going forward".

I know my hand has been stayed for a reason. There is something more I must learn.

"God will show us our flaws and failings but will help us turn those weaknesses into strength. If we sincerely ask, 'what lack I yet' He will not leave us to guess, but in love He will answer for the sake of our happiness...He will give us hope." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

What lack I yet? What am I missing?

"Let us not be content with where we are, but neither let us be discouraged...take time to be holy..." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

I sometimes (maybe all the time) feel impatient. I want it all and I want it all now but I guess I fear that once I say "ok I'm ready " that the Lord will rush me on the field and tackle me like a quarterback being sacked just before he can throw the ball. Logically and personally I know that He is more my offensive tackle than the defensive and wants me to succeed.

I fear what will be placed on my shoulders and in that, my personality of I want it now does not play in here. I know though that as I continue to move forward I will gain little by little until I have it all.

Why do I fear the blessings that await me? How silly! Another weakness I must rid myself of.

So I suppose in my quest to find out what's bugging me and holding me back I must ask the Lord.

I must fill my hands with His work and follow the promptings of the spirit and fear be damned. Even as I write that last part an anxiety fills my heart and I question "what if I fail?"

I need to be fully committed.

Partaking of the sacrament is a commitment that my heart has changed. That through repentance I have become clean and am 100% all in.

With that comes the commitment to serve others and go where He wants me to go.

I hope to gain a greater capacity to love and a greater compassion for all. The hope that I can and will multiply the gifts and talents he has given me and that His grace is sufficient.

Through all of this I cry out "Oh Lord, help my unbelief".

I need to trust Him completely. Why is that so hard for me to do?