a thing of mysterious and sacred significance; a religious symbol

This is from a journal entry from early last year. During that time I had deliberately ignored spiritual promptings and knew that the Lord was not happy with me and when the time came to partake of the sacrament I couldn't. The spirit stayed my hand that Sunday. My sin was in ignoring the spirit which is something I unfortunately have done too many times in my life but this time it felt different. Several times in the past it has always been "I'm too scared to follow this prompting forgive me, I will do better next time". This time it felt as though there wouldn't be a next time. It's hard for me to describe but several Sundays following I stayed my own hand and my journal entry will explain why.

It also ties in with my previous post.

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April 2018

"If we yearn to dwell in Christ and have Him dwell in us, then holiness is what we seek." The living Bread Which Came Down from Heaven, Elder D. Todd Christofferson

I have had cause to reflect on my life. I believe these last few hardships have been lessons, wake up calls for me that it is time to step up and be more...

What stays my hand I suppose is the feeling that once I partake again more will be required of me. That I must be "all in". That by partaking I am acknowledging a readiness for more. 

This scares me.

What if I receive more and I fail again to listen? Will I yet again feel the chastening of the spirit and the Father? What will happen if I partake again and know that once I do I am bound to my promises? I am promising more than just remembering him. It is a symbolic gesture of commitment and I fear that if I partake, I can never mess up again.

In reading Alma Chp 5 these questions stood out to me the most:

" Can you...hear the voice of the Lord saying...your works have been...righteous? Can you look up with a pure heart and clean hands? How will you feel if you stand before God having your garments stained? What will these stains testify against you? Have you kept yourself blameless? Can you say you've been humble? Have your garments been cleansed and made white through repentance?"

I desire to be completely cleansed from all sin. I want to bring before the Lord something more than empty hands. Clean? Yes. Empty? No.

What have I done with what God's grace has given me?

The winds are changing, the signs are here that the judgments of God are coming.

When he does come again or if I see him before that day, will I hear "well done thou good and faithful servant" or will I hear that I have been a slothful one?

To partake of the sacrament is"expressing how completely we must bring the savior into our life-into our very being-that we may be one." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

I fear that I am an unworthy vessel. I know he expects more of me.

"We would do well to consider how fully and completely we must incorporate His character, the pattern of His sinless life." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

This is something I feel I must fully comprehend before partaking again.

"As we remember and honor His atoning sacrifice, we should also contemplate His sinless life. This suggests the need for a mighty striving on our part. We cannot be content to remain as we are but must be moving constantly toward 'the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ'....we must be willing to give away all our sins and focus on what the Lord expects of us." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

In refraining from partaking of the sacrament I have become painfully aware of my weaknesses and the need to shore them up, to strengthen them and fix the cracks that I have let go for far too long. I am aware of how slothful I have allowed myself to become.

I am fearful of my weaknesses but also fearful of changing. These weaknesses have been tied to me for so long. I want and desire to be free of them but what will be left?

"We are a product of all we read, all we view, all we hear and all we think." President Thomas S. Monson 

I suppose in a weird way I'd rather go before the Lord with my garments stained than my hands empty.

Which is the greater sin?

Of course I desire to be sanctified and cleansed of all sin where I too can't look upon sin with the least degree of allowance.

Oh to be so clean and pure that Satan has no hold on me.

"...our mortal experiences offer us the opportunity to choose holiness...it is the sacrifices we make to keep our covenants that sanctify us and make us holy...I would add the service we give to the sacrifices we make." Carol McConkie

How can I fill my hands? How can I move forward towards sanctification? How can I receive the gifts that are waiting for me?

What do I need to sacrifice?

"Come ye out from the wicked and be separate and touch not their unclean things. Drive out the wolves from among the sheep." Alma 

"Partaking of the Savior's flesh and drinking His blood means to put out of our lives anything inconsistent with a Christlike character..." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

To truly be repentant we not only have to turn away from past sin but also "a turning of the heart and will to God going forward".

I know my hand has been stayed for a reason. There is something more I must learn.

"God will show us our flaws and failings but will help us turn those weaknesses into strength. If we sincerely ask, 'what lack I yet' He will not leave us to guess, but in love He will answer for the sake of our happiness...He will give us hope." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

What lack I yet? What am I missing?

"Let us not be content with where we are, but neither let us be discouraged...take time to be holy..." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

I sometimes (maybe all the time) feel impatient. I want it all and I want it all now but I guess I fear that once I say "ok I'm ready " that the Lord will rush me on the field and tackle me like a quarterback being sacked just before he can throw the ball. Logically and personally I know that He is more my offensive tackle than the defensive and wants me to succeed.

I fear what will be placed on my shoulders and in that, my personality of I want it now does not play in here. I know though that as I continue to move forward I will gain little by little until I have it all.

Why do I fear the blessings that await me? How silly! Another weakness I must rid myself of.

So I suppose in my quest to find out what's bugging me and holding me back I must ask the Lord.

I must fill my hands with His work and follow the promptings of the spirit and fear be damned. Even as I write that last part an anxiety fills my heart and I question "what if I fail?"

I need to be fully committed.

Partaking of the sacrament is a commitment that my heart has changed. That through repentance I have become clean and am 100% all in.

With that comes the commitment to serve others and go where He wants me to go.

I hope to gain a greater capacity to love and a greater compassion for all. The hope that I can and will multiply the gifts and talents he has given me and that His grace is sufficient.

Through all of this I cry out "Oh Lord, help my unbelief".

I need to trust Him completely. Why is that so hard for me to do?

produce fruit, typically at a specified time

I have been thinking a lot about fruit. Not the ones we eat but the ones we produce by the seeds we plant in our every day lives.

More particularly the fruits of righteousness and the fruits of unrighteousness.

Now I understand that not every one believes the same as I do or perhaps they have not had the opportunities to come to the knowledge or insights that I have come into through study, pondering and asking. I am also not an "expert" in scripture or the gospel and anyone who says they are is wrong. There is no end to learning, there is no end to growth, there is always room for correction. We go from grace to grace, line upon line, at our pace and receive according to the effort we put into it and what we are ready for. That being said if I say anything that may be confusing or that needs further clarification I am more than willing to try and address what I can.

So, as I've said I've thought a lot about fruit and my own final judgment, the parable of the talents and what fruits are my decisions and actions producing.

In the parable of the talents, a man who was going to go away for a bit called his servants to him before he left. He entrusted each one to a different task according to his ability. To one he gave five talents, to another two and to another one and then he left. I'm sure he gave instruction to each of them but obviously we don't know what exactly he instructed them to do. I can imagine, however, he might have said something like "do with this what you will, you have the tools and education. You know what I would do and I have taught you well".

So, the ones who were given five and two talents ended up going out and doubling what they had originally received. However, the one who received the least decided that because his master was a strict man that it would be best to hide what he was given so that he could return the exact same amount back to him. This obviously isn't what the master intended nor wanted.

The unfaithful servant given the least to do, did nothing.

The fruits of one's labor is solely based on what you do with what's been given you.

In my own final judgment when I stand before the bar, my biggest fear is to stand before him with empty hands having no fruit to show.

President John Taylor taught "that record that is written by the man himself in the tablets of his own mind—that record that cannot lie—will in that day be unfolded before God and angels, and those who shall sit as judges".

In my quest to fill my hands, I have asked myself the question, what lack I yet? I have come to realize that what I lack is the greatest of all the gifts of God. Charity.

I think in the church we look at charity as being good works. Yes but it really isn't.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks in his talk The Challenge to Become he states:

"We are challenged to move through a process of conversion toward that status and condition called eternal life. This is achieved not just by doing what is right, but by doing it for the right reason—for the pure love of Christ. The Apostle Paul illustrated this in his famous teaching about the importance of charity (see 1 Cor. 13). The reason charity never fails and the reason charity is greater than even the most significant acts of goodness he cited is that charity, “the pure love of Christ” (Moro. 7:47), is not an act but a condition or state of being. Charity is attained through a succession of acts that result in a conversion. Charity is something one becomes."

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth" 1 Cor. 13
"But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him." Mor. 7:47

So is charity simply good works? No, Charity is the fruit of continued faith and hope. It is what you become. Charity is the embodiment of the pure love of Christ and the "works" you do are the fruits of Charity.

I have been given at times glimpses into what it is like to have the pure love of Christ within my heart for someone. It is very rare that I don't like someone or don't get along with them. One person, in particular was going through, for a lack of a better term, "issues". Things that made this person even harder to be around. It really bugged me that I couldn't like this person. So I did the only thing I could, I prayed. I prayed that I would be able to see this person the way that God saw them.

Now, when I say it bothered me that I couldn't like this person, I prayed for a whole WEEK about it. I talked about it constantly with my husband, asking questions like why I couldn't get along with them, what was wrong, help me to like this person etc. So fast forward a week and this person was still having these issues and was talking about them. I could feel myself starting to get irritated but I said to myself "stop" and right at that moment, I felt this overwhelming feeling of love and a great desire to just go up and hug this person. I KNOW that wasn't me. I know it and now that I know it I can never look at this person the same way again. We may not ever be best friends and that's ok but ever since that moment I have never thought anything bad ever again.

Being so overwhelmed at that moment in time, I can't imagine feeling that way about everyone I meet but that is what Charity is and that is what I desire.

So how do I get there? By exercising the abilities and expounding upon the talents/gifts that are God given. So that when the time is right and when I am ready I will become Charity.

Moroni 7:

"And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me...it is by faith that miracles are wrought...
Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope...brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is".

I hope that when this miracle of becoming Charity happens in me, that he will see me as I see him.

It is my hope that Charity will be extended to all who diligently seek it so that our fruits will run over the floors of heaven.

a final part of something, especially a period of time, an activity, or a story

I printed and deleted my previous blog posts. I felt scared and sad all at the same time. I have all of my posts printed into 2 nicely bound books (thank you Blookup.com) but I think my emotions about deleting it means that it's the end of 12 years of blogging. I love blogging even though my last blog post was Dec of 2017.

So what do I want this new blog to be about?

We are doing a new course study at church. Church went from 3 hours down to 2 and we are now focusing on our own personal study and developing a closer relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

I have felt the need to start a blog typing out my thoughts or insights regarding the different lessons. Previously I have written out those things but frankly my hand is tired and I type far faster. I also think that my thoughts flow easier doing it this way than the other.

My only dilemma now is whether I go all the way to beginning of the year as I had many thoughts I had written out or do I start with where I am now?

I actually am far behind schedule in my personal studies (oops).

I also need to add that my old church ward was completely dissolved and our boundaries for our wards were redone and a couple new wards created.

At first I didn't like it, our old ward we had been in for 10 years of our married life and it was home from the very beginning. I felt like the choice had been taken away from me and I lost a lot of friends with the change. The first Sunday we were in the new ward I thought "I feel no connection to these people and good thing we won't be here for long." 

My friend Melissa was now in our ward so that was a good thing and we had other friends come over with us to the new ward but it just didn't feel right to me.

The 2nd Sunday was much better, I didn't feel like I was in the twilight zone and there are very nice people that I was able to meet and I am now teaching the sunbeam class in primary, Sunbeams are the 3 year olds. They are so very precious and I am happy to be in there with them and hope that I can teach them in a way that they understand. So after my 3rd Sunday (last Sunday) in the new ward I am feeling more connected but still not 100%. Everything just happened so fast we were all in shock.

4th Sunday update: I don't feel this way anymore, I am beginning to love the people in my ward!

That being said, times are changing. Life is changing, wards are changing, people are changing. There seems to be a lot "endings and beginnings" happening.

So anyway, I feel like I want this blog now to be more of a journal of gospel learning and insights that will be intermingled with personal blog posts.

We shall see how this goes. I'd still rather be sleeping.