the action of forgiving

In sacrament meeting yesterday,  the last speaker was listing out the things we couldn't do for ourselves that only Christ could do. One of those things was "you can't pardon your own sin".

"You can't pardon your own sin." So, why is it that so many of us try to do just that?

When our choices are not in line with the Gospel, we justify our sins and try to absolve ourselves of the consequences, not earthly consequences so much as Eternal consequences.

I think that some members of the church watch General Conference to try and find excuses for their behavior or the behavior of others instead of sound loving correction. When they find no solace or acceptance of their sins or the sins of others they become angry. They lash out at the leaders calling them out of touch, bigots and whatever else they may say to justify their response.

"Wherefore, brethren, seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand" Jacob 4:10

During last General Conference Elder Bednar spoke about his experience with his wife in Africa where they watched two cheetahs hunt a herd of prey and was impressed by their determination and relentless pursuit of the herd. He likened it to the way that Satan continues to pursue us spiritually hoping for those moments of weakness so that he can have the advantage.

It was a great comparison. One would think that it was a simple analogy and anyone with even the slightest amount of wisdom could see the truth in his words. I sadly found out, however, that there were some who took issue with his talk. They thought that he was literally saying cheetahs were satanic and it wasn't just one or two people either who misunderstood.

Mind. Blown.

While this wasn't necessarily an attempt to "pardon one's own sin", it is a symptom of what is wrong.

There is a breakdown in understanding these spiritual parables. How does that begin?

During Christ's mortal journey, he often used parables as a way to teach the people. His disciples asked him why he taught this way as it was found to be confusing.

“Why speakest thou unto them in parables?” He responded, “Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given” (Matt. 13:10–11)."

 Alma in the Book of Mormon reiterates and expounds upon this:

"It is given unto many to know the mysteries of God … according to the heed and diligence which they give unto him. And therefore, he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word; and he that will not harden his heart, to him is given the greater portion of the word, until it is given unto him to know the mysteries of God until he know them in full” (Alma 12:9–10)

While I felt that the use of the cheetahs was a simple comparison to how Satan pursues us. I wondered how in the world they didn't get it. How could it be possible for two people to read or hear the same things and yet get completely different messages?

“Two men may hear the same words, one of them listens in indolence and indifference, the other with active mind intent on learning all that the words can possibly convey; and, having heard, the diligent man goes straightway to do the things commended to him, while the careless one neglects and forgets. The one is wise, the other foolish; the one has heard to his eternal profit, the other to his everlasting condemnation.”Elder James E. Talmage (1862–1933)

We are in the last dispensation, mere days, hours, minutes away (figuratively speaking) until the triumphal return of Christ and the work of sifting the wheat from the tares have already commenced.

Those who have the spirit but refuse to listen and understand will find themselves left alone to their own devices. They will lose or perhaps have already lost their spiritual insight and wisdom. They have become easily blinded by the "craftiness of men" and are caught in a very dangerous downward spiral that can only end one way if not corrected.

They will be tossed about as ships that have no sails, having fallen prey to the relentless hunt of their pursuer. They will be stagnant, having forgotten what they once knew.

"For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath" Matt 13

Our leaders can see what is coming and they are lifting up their collective warning voices. 

"For behold, at that day shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good. And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell. And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance." 2nd Nephi 28

 If we aren't careful and watchful and listen to those who are set apart to warn us, we will be easy prey.

the return of light

It is important to remember that all the Father and our Savior has done is because they love us. The Father's plan of happiness was presented to us because He loved us. He sent his only perfect firstborn in the spirit and of the body to earth to sacrifice himself so that we could be subject to not only His judgments but more importantly His mercy. He is first and foremost our Father and He has given all of us the tools necessary to lead, to guide and to protect.

It can be compared to a parent who has a child that needs to learn to ride a bike. Parents arm their child with needed lessons on what to do when they are on the bike, they provide the helmet, knee pads, elbows pads, they add on training wheels for extra security and even hang on to the back of the seat.

The child in the beginning may be scared to get on the bike at first. The parent is there to give necessary comfort in those times with an "I'll be right here holding on" assurance. They reach their first obstacle, a hill perhaps, and the child struggles to pedal but because the parent is there the burden of the hill is lessened.

The parent does this because they love their child and wants them to gain confidence in their ability, gain more knowledge and more strength so they won't falter or fall. The parent also knows, however, there will come a time when they themselves become the obstacle to their child's growth and they need to let go.

Does the parent leave? Of course not, they can be found standing at the end of the street, watching with bated breath, apprehensive at your new found freedom, hoping they have taught you all you needed to know.

A child's responsibility is to get on the bike and apply what they've learned and continue to pedal even when it seems too hard, knowing that even though they can no longer see their parent fully, they are still there waiting for them to return safely back, having done all they could to prepare you.

"Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." Philippians 2 vs 12

Life is so full of ups and downs, hills and valleys but we can find just as much joy on those hills of hardship as in those valleys of relief.

"When the focus of our lives is on God’s plan of salvation...we can feel joy regardless of what is happening—or not happening—in our lives. Joy comes from and because of Him. His joy is constant, assuring us that our “afflictions shall be but a small moment” and be consecrated to our gain. How, then, can we claim that joy? We can give thanks..." Joy and Spiritual Survival By President Russell M. Nelson

"It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding.

This type of gratitude transcends whatever is happening around us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement, and despair.

When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation.

We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is. How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?

Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges.
This is not a gratitude of the lips but of the soul. It is a gratitude that heals the heart and expands the mind.
Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God. It requires that we trust God and hope for things we may not see but which are true.

In any circumstance, our sense of gratitude is nourished by the many and sacred truths we do know: that our Father has given His children the great plan of happiness; that through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ, we can live forever with our loved ones; that in the end, we will have glorious, perfect, and immortal bodies, unburdened by sickness or disability; and that our tears of sadness and loss will be replaced with an abundance of happiness and 'joy, good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over.'" Grateful in Any Circumstances, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf 

We may not be able to see our Heavenly Father right now but we can rest assured that He is standing at the end of the street waiting for the return of His children. He is there to help when we call out to Him and will ease our burden when the hills of life seem too hard to climb. Let us be grateful to Him for His unending grace and love and confidence in us that He was able to let us go to learn on our own. How sad He must be knowing that there are those who never got on the bike, ones who reached their first obstacle and gave up and ones who fell and never got back on the bike nor asked for His help which He would have given.

a thing of mysterious and sacred significance; a religious symbol

This is from a journal entry from early last year. During that time I had deliberately ignored spiritual promptings and knew that the Lord was not happy with me and when the time came to partake of the sacrament I couldn't. The spirit stayed my hand that Sunday. My sin was in ignoring the spirit which is something I unfortunately have done too many times in my life but this time it felt different. Several times in the past it has always been "I'm too scared to follow this prompting forgive me, I will do better next time". This time it felt as though there wouldn't be a next time. It's hard for me to describe but several Sundays following I stayed my own hand and my journal entry will explain why.

It also ties in with my previous post.

 ****

April 2018

"If we yearn to dwell in Christ and have Him dwell in us, then holiness is what we seek." The living Bread Which Came Down from Heaven, Elder D. Todd Christofferson

I have had cause to reflect on my life. I believe these last few hardships have been lessons, wake up calls for me that it is time to step up and be more...

What stays my hand I suppose is the feeling that once I partake again more will be required of me. That I must be "all in". That by partaking I am acknowledging a readiness for more. 

This scares me.

What if I receive more and I fail again to listen? Will I yet again feel the chastening of the spirit and the Father? What will happen if I partake again and know that once I do I am bound to my promises? I am promising more than just remembering him. It is a symbolic gesture of commitment and I fear that if I partake, I can never mess up again.

In reading Alma Chp 5 these questions stood out to me the most:

" Can you...hear the voice of the Lord saying...your works have been...righteous? Can you look up with a pure heart and clean hands? How will you feel if you stand before God having your garments stained? What will these stains testify against you? Have you kept yourself blameless? Can you say you've been humble? Have your garments been cleansed and made white through repentance?"

I desire to be completely cleansed from all sin. I want to bring before the Lord something more than empty hands. Clean? Yes. Empty? No.

What have I done with what God's grace has given me?

The winds are changing, the signs are here that the judgments of God are coming.

When he does come again or if I see him before that day, will I hear "well done thou good and faithful servant" or will I hear that I have been a slothful one?

To partake of the sacrament is"expressing how completely we must bring the savior into our life-into our very being-that we may be one." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

I fear that I am an unworthy vessel. I know he expects more of me.

"We would do well to consider how fully and completely we must incorporate His character, the pattern of His sinless life." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

This is something I feel I must fully comprehend before partaking again.

"As we remember and honor His atoning sacrifice, we should also contemplate His sinless life. This suggests the need for a mighty striving on our part. We cannot be content to remain as we are but must be moving constantly toward 'the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ'....we must be willing to give away all our sins and focus on what the Lord expects of us." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

In refraining from partaking of the sacrament I have become painfully aware of my weaknesses and the need to shore them up, to strengthen them and fix the cracks that I have let go for far too long. I am aware of how slothful I have allowed myself to become.

I am fearful of my weaknesses but also fearful of changing. These weaknesses have been tied to me for so long. I want and desire to be free of them but what will be left?

"We are a product of all we read, all we view, all we hear and all we think." President Thomas S. Monson 

I suppose in a weird way I'd rather go before the Lord with my garments stained than my hands empty.

Which is the greater sin?

Of course I desire to be sanctified and cleansed of all sin where I too can't look upon sin with the least degree of allowance.

Oh to be so clean and pure that Satan has no hold on me.

"...our mortal experiences offer us the opportunity to choose holiness...it is the sacrifices we make to keep our covenants that sanctify us and make us holy...I would add the service we give to the sacrifices we make." Carol McConkie

How can I fill my hands? How can I move forward towards sanctification? How can I receive the gifts that are waiting for me?

What do I need to sacrifice?

"Come ye out from the wicked and be separate and touch not their unclean things. Drive out the wolves from among the sheep." Alma 

"Partaking of the Savior's flesh and drinking His blood means to put out of our lives anything inconsistent with a Christlike character..." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

To truly be repentant we not only have to turn away from past sin but also "a turning of the heart and will to God going forward".

I know my hand has been stayed for a reason. There is something more I must learn.

"God will show us our flaws and failings but will help us turn those weaknesses into strength. If we sincerely ask, 'what lack I yet' He will not leave us to guess, but in love He will answer for the sake of our happiness...He will give us hope." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

What lack I yet? What am I missing?

"Let us not be content with where we are, but neither let us be discouraged...take time to be holy..." Elder D. Todd Christofferson

I sometimes (maybe all the time) feel impatient. I want it all and I want it all now but I guess I fear that once I say "ok I'm ready " that the Lord will rush me on the field and tackle me like a quarterback being sacked just before he can throw the ball. Logically and personally I know that He is more my offensive tackle than the defensive and wants me to succeed.

I fear what will be placed on my shoulders and in that, my personality of I want it now does not play in here. I know though that as I continue to move forward I will gain little by little until I have it all.

Why do I fear the blessings that await me? How silly! Another weakness I must rid myself of.

So I suppose in my quest to find out what's bugging me and holding me back I must ask the Lord.

I must fill my hands with His work and follow the promptings of the spirit and fear be damned. Even as I write that last part an anxiety fills my heart and I question "what if I fail?"

I need to be fully committed.

Partaking of the sacrament is a commitment that my heart has changed. That through repentance I have become clean and am 100% all in.

With that comes the commitment to serve others and go where He wants me to go.

I hope to gain a greater capacity to love and a greater compassion for all. The hope that I can and will multiply the gifts and talents he has given me and that His grace is sufficient.

Through all of this I cry out "Oh Lord, help my unbelief".

I need to trust Him completely. Why is that so hard for me to do?

produce fruit, typically at a specified time

I have been thinking a lot about fruit. Not the ones we eat but the ones we produce by the seeds we plant in our every day lives.

More particularly the fruits of righteousness and the fruits of unrighteousness.

Now I understand that not every one believes the same as I do or perhaps they have not had the opportunities to come to the knowledge or insights that I have come into through study, pondering and asking. I am also not an "expert" in scripture or the gospel and anyone who says they are is wrong. There is no end to learning, there is no end to growth, there is always room for correction. We go from grace to grace, line upon line, at our pace and receive according to the effort we put into it and what we are ready for. That being said if I say anything that may be confusing or that needs further clarification I am more than willing to try and address what I can.

So, as I've said I've thought a lot about fruit and my own final judgment, the parable of the talents and what fruits are my decisions and actions producing.

In the parable of the talents, a man who was going to go away for a bit called his servants to him before he left. He entrusted each one to a different task according to his ability. To one he gave five talents, to another two and to another one and then he left. I'm sure he gave instruction to each of them but obviously we don't know what exactly he instructed them to do. I can imagine, however, he might have said something like "do with this what you will, you have the tools and education. You know what I would do and I have taught you well".

So, the ones who were given five and two talents ended up going out and doubling what they had originally received. However, the one who received the least decided that because his master was a strict man that it would be best to hide what he was given so that he could return the exact same amount back to him. This obviously isn't what the master intended nor wanted.

The unfaithful servant given the least to do, did nothing.

The fruits of one's labor is solely based on what you do with what's been given you.

In my own final judgment when I stand before the bar, my biggest fear is to stand before him with empty hands having no fruit to show.

President John Taylor taught "that record that is written by the man himself in the tablets of his own mind—that record that cannot lie—will in that day be unfolded before God and angels, and those who shall sit as judges".

In my quest to fill my hands, I have asked myself the question, what lack I yet? I have come to realize that what I lack is the greatest of all the gifts of God. Charity.

I think in the church we look at charity as being good works. Yes but it really isn't.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks in his talk The Challenge to Become he states:

"We are challenged to move through a process of conversion toward that status and condition called eternal life. This is achieved not just by doing what is right, but by doing it for the right reason—for the pure love of Christ. The Apostle Paul illustrated this in his famous teaching about the importance of charity (see 1 Cor. 13). The reason charity never fails and the reason charity is greater than even the most significant acts of goodness he cited is that charity, “the pure love of Christ” (Moro. 7:47), is not an act but a condition or state of being. Charity is attained through a succession of acts that result in a conversion. Charity is something one becomes."

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth" 1 Cor. 13
"But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him." Mor. 7:47

So is charity simply good works? No, Charity is the fruit of continued faith and hope. It is what you become. Charity is the embodiment of the pure love of Christ and the "works" you do are the fruits of Charity.

I have been given at times glimpses into what it is like to have the pure love of Christ within my heart for someone. It is very rare that I don't like someone or don't get along with them. One person, in particular was going through, for a lack of a better term, "issues". Things that made this person even harder to be around. It really bugged me that I couldn't like this person. So I did the only thing I could, I prayed. I prayed that I would be able to see this person the way that God saw them.

Now, when I say it bothered me that I couldn't like this person, I prayed for a whole WEEK about it. I talked about it constantly with my husband, asking questions like why I couldn't get along with them, what was wrong, help me to like this person etc. So fast forward a week and this person was still having these issues and was talking about them. I could feel myself starting to get irritated but I said to myself "stop" and right at that moment, I felt this overwhelming feeling of love and a great desire to just go up and hug this person. I KNOW that wasn't me. I know it and now that I know it I can never look at this person the same way again. We may not ever be best friends and that's ok but ever since that moment I have never thought anything bad ever again.

Being so overwhelmed at that moment in time, I can't imagine feeling that way about everyone I meet but that is what Charity is and that is what I desire.

So how do I get there? By exercising the abilities and expounding upon the talents/gifts that are God given. So that when the time is right and when I am ready I will become Charity.

Moroni 7:

"And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me...it is by faith that miracles are wrought...
Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope...brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is".

I hope that when this miracle of becoming Charity happens in me, that he will see me as I see him.

It is my hope that Charity will be extended to all who diligently seek it so that our fruits will run over the floors of heaven.

a final part of something, especially a period of time, an activity, or a story

I printed and deleted my previous blog posts. I felt scared and sad all at the same time. I have all of my posts printed into 2 nicely bound books (thank you Blookup.com) but I think my emotions about deleting it means that it's the end of 12 years of blogging. I love blogging even though my last blog post was Dec of 2017.

So what do I want this new blog to be about?

We are doing a new course study at church. Church went from 3 hours down to 2 and we are now focusing on our own personal study and developing a closer relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

I have felt the need to start a blog typing out my thoughts or insights regarding the different lessons. Previously I have written out those things but frankly my hand is tired and I type far faster. I also think that my thoughts flow easier doing it this way than the other.

My only dilemma now is whether I go all the way to beginning of the year as I had many thoughts I had written out or do I start with where I am now?

I actually am far behind schedule in my personal studies (oops).

I also need to add that my old church ward was completely dissolved and our boundaries for our wards were redone and a couple new wards created.

At first I didn't like it, our old ward we had been in for 10 years of our married life and it was home from the very beginning. I felt like the choice had been taken away from me and I lost a lot of friends with the change. The first Sunday we were in the new ward I thought "I feel no connection to these people and good thing we won't be here for long." 

My friend Melissa was now in our ward so that was a good thing and we had other friends come over with us to the new ward but it just didn't feel right to me.

The 2nd Sunday was much better, I didn't feel like I was in the twilight zone and there are very nice people that I was able to meet and I am now teaching the sunbeam class in primary, Sunbeams are the 3 year olds. They are so very precious and I am happy to be in there with them and hope that I can teach them in a way that they understand. So after my 3rd Sunday (last Sunday) in the new ward I am feeling more connected but still not 100%. Everything just happened so fast we were all in shock.

4th Sunday update: I don't feel this way anymore, I am beginning to love the people in my ward!

That being said, times are changing. Life is changing, wards are changing, people are changing. There seems to be a lot "endings and beginnings" happening.

So anyway, I feel like I want this blog now to be more of a journal of gospel learning and insights that will be intermingled with personal blog posts.

We shall see how this goes. I'd still rather be sleeping.